One of my favorite sociolinguists (person who studies the
affects of language on society) is Dr. Deborah Tannen who has written several
books and has spoken about the subject of conversation between men and woman as
a cross-cultural communication. It is
amazing to learn how different we are in the way we communicate. I highly recommend her book: "You Just Don't Understand: Women and Men in Conversation"
Have you ever found yourself in an argument
without knowing why? Do you know why
woman are known for nagging? Did you
know that men actually talk more than women?
These are all issues that Dr. Tannen addresses in her book: "You
Just Don't Understand, Women and Men in Conversation".
We always assume that because we married someone with
similar interests and that we are very similar in the way we think but may I
propose along with Dr. Tannen that women and men do not talk the same. I don't need to tell you that you are
different than your spouse, I am sure you have figured that out all ready. Let's take a look at some of the differences
in the way we speak our different 'genderlects'.
Women tend to be more focused on relationships . They speak to establish, maintain and measure
those relationships. By talking about
the things they have in common with their audience they develop rapport and
establish intimacy. Woman are also known
for trouble talking where they enjoy talking about troubles or problems, not
because they want to resolve the problems or even because they enjoy talking
about problems but because it is a way for them to communicate their emotions
with others and seek emotional support.
Have you ever been upset because your spouse just told you
how to solve your problem when you just wanted to talk about it? Have you ever felt that he just doesn't take
your feelings into consideration while making a decision? Do you often feel distant when he does not
respond by sharing his problems? That is
because unlike women, men do not talk to establish relationships, they talk to
establish status, report and solve problems.
For the men. (but
really for the woman)
Have you ever wondered why your spouse will get upset with
you because you didn't tell her something that happened to you? Have you been discouraged that she talks
about so many problems when you just want to talk solutions? Do you ever feel that you are being
nagged? This is because men do not like
to put themselves in a vulnerable position so they don't talk about their
problems. They have also been raised to
help woman and fix problems so that is what they do. They also feel nagged when they know they
were supposed to do something but by being told to do it over and over again
threatens their position and status.
Men talk much more than women but mainly in public
settings. Women speak much more in
private or intimate settings. Men talk
at work, church, among friends, and dominate almost all public speaking arenas
but they talk about different things.
They talk because their status depends on it. When they get home they are not worried as
much about status, and tend to speak less.
Home life is looked upon as the safety zone where they are no longer
competing but are in familiar surroundings, and hence are quicker to try to
resolve a problem presented by their wife instead of just having conversation.
What do we do with this information?
Now in our society we have seen plenty of incidences in
sitcoms that show couples trying to change each other. Women trying to get men to share their
feelings and men complaining about their nagging wives. But the best thing we can do is accept the
differences we have, after all that is one of the reasons we married our spouse
because they are different than us.
Wouldn't it be boring to be married to oneself? Tannen (2001) suggests that the best way to
deal with language style differences is to "learn how to interpret each other's
messages and explain your own in a way your partner can understand and
accept." (p.
297). That means that when my wife starts talking about a problem
I know that she really is not asking for a solution she is asking for me to
validate her feelings, knowing that my spouse is this way the best thing I can
do is ask her what she feels and try to meet her half way so she understands
that I care about her. If you have a
husband that never seems to do what you ask and you keep asking because you
feel that if you say it enough times he will realize that it is important to
you; it might be more efficient to find a way to stroke his ego and have him
show you that he wants to help you instead of being told what to do.
This is just some of the advice that Dr. Tannen gives in
this book. It is an easy read and I
recommend it to any couple that wants to become more aware of the differences
in communication between men and women.
It has helped me to recognize my wife's needs and read between the lines
to avoid arguments and strengthen the bonds of our marriage. Dr. Tannen shares funny anecdotes and makes
it easy to recognize these subtle differences which sometimes cause great
divides in a stressed out marriage.
References:
Tannen,
D. (2001). You just don't understand:
Women and men in conversation. (1st ed.). New York, NY: William Morrow and
Company, Inc.
Categories:
This is so interesting and creative!
Cheryl
Love it! Good job, Jeremy!
Communication is so important to any relationship, but especially a marriage. We went from having nothing but time to talk before we had kids to not even knowing what the other person was up to after. I think books like this can give good reminders on how to communicate and why it is important.
This is very interesting, I never took time to really think about the different ways men and women communicate. I had always heard men talk more than women in most settings, but it makes sense that men talk more in public setting and women talk more in those private settings, like when communicating with partner.
Lisa Cropp says:
This book sounds really interesting. I am married and sometimes find it hard to communicate with my husband. Being able to really talk to your spouse is key for a successful marriage. I found it fascinating to learn that men talk more in public settings and women talk more in private sttings. I might read this book to get help on my own marriage.