Connecting in Chaos

Emily asked us: "What are some suggestions, skills, or tactics that married couples use to manage time so they can spend some together?"

Life stops for no man.  We are constantly being bombarded with time commitments from work, school, family, and friends.  Have you ever asked yourself what happened to the days when you had all the time in the world to talk, to listen, to do things together? If you are reading this blog it is probably because you and your spouse with all your spare time decided to have a family and change your relationship forever.  Before my wife and I decided to have kids we figured we should probably see if we could handle the responsibility; so we bought plants.  We bought a tree and a hanging plant named 'Eugenia' who hung over our kitchen table.  Eugenia was the perfect plant when she was thirsty she would drop down low and beg for water and as soon as she had enough she would stretch her branches high in the air.  She was very low maintenance and every once and awhile we would notice her change in mood and give her another drink. The day we came home from the hospital after having our oldest son; she was not quite her perky self and never recovered.  We replaced her with an artificial plant because since we became parents we don't even have time to water a plant.

Too often our relationship gets out on hold to the demands of our careers, education, children, and social commitments.  Unfortunately relationships are not as easy as Eugenia, letting us know when to feed them and when it is okay to ignore them. They need to be constantly fed.  They need to be our greatest priority. The best food for a hungry marriage is quality time spent together. Emily asked about techniques. 

Allow me to teach you one.

Please grab a pen and paper or your smart phone, or Ipad; whatever you normally use to write down important things.  Are you with your spouse right now? Probably not, but that is okay. Open up your calendar and schedule a time when you can both spend some time together.  Call them on the phone and let them know when this is going to happen.  Then commit to doing it.  This is really the only technique out there to spend time together.  If you do not make the time it simply will not happen.

Make sure you make that appointment.  Make sure that you prepare for it.  You wouldn't want to show up to a work meeting unprepared or a bake sale without any baked goods.  Just like you need to show up 15 minutes early to a doctor's appointment and bring your insurance card and co-pay.  Your marriage should be just as important to merit special attention and preparation. Most people think that love and romance degree a certain level of spontaneity, well guess what you cannot afford to wait for spontaneity to come and babysit the kids. Your are at a time in your life where you need to commit together to spending time alone with each other and keep yourself united against the stresses of the world.

I would suggest that you start with 1 'appointment' and on that appointment one of the things you will do is plan your next alone encounter. Talk about your future, what you like about each other.  Plan to do things that you have never done before. You should even plan time to touch and being physically intimate, but whatever you do, do not talk about work, friends, problems, or your kids.  This is sacred time you have set apart for just you.

I know that it sounds boring to plan and that the structure will take the passion out of your encounters but I can almost guarantee it that the lack of surprise will be replaced with butterflies in your gut and excitement as you wait for these special moments to be together.  There are many websites and blogs with great ideas to do on your time together.  See what works for you.  Take turns planning the activities.  You do not even have to spend money or together resources you only need to dedicate the time.  Please check out resources below where you will find additional ideas for your dates.

References:

Rowling-Flourish, R. (2011). The importance of couples spending quality time together. Retrieved from http://www.semissourian.com/story/1810552.html

Allan, C. (2013). Quality time: How to find more and some ideas on how to use it. Retrieved from http://simplemarriage.net

Fillmore, D. (2011). Most important lesson for a strong marriage. Retrieved from http://www.pondtrademag.com/articles/ar-228/