I Want a Long, Happy, Loving Marriage. Is That a Realistic Goal?
I heard a great simile for marriage the other day. Marriage is like that trust game where two people go back to back and try to move from a standing to a sitting position. It takes effort from both people to be successful. If one person gives up or doesn’t do their part, the exercise fails. It’s impossible for one person to make it work on their own, even if they give 100%. Couples need to work together, communicate, and be understanding when the other spouse gets a little wobbly.
So, what kinds of efforts are important to build a healthy marriage? Well, let’s turn to John Gottman for a bit of advice on that, shall we? He is a leading expert on how to create successful marriages. He says:
"What can make a marriage work is surprisingly simple. Happily married couples aren’t smarter, richer, or more psychologically astute than others. But in their day-to-day lives, they have hit upon a dynamic that keeps their negative thoughts and feelings about each other (which all couples have) from overwhelming their positive ones." (Gottman & Silver, 1999, p. 3)
The discussion on how to create and nurture positive thoughts could fill many books, but here I want to focus on just one. One simple way to build positive thoughts and feelings for your spouse is through unselfishness. By attending to your spouse’s needs and wants before your own, you will build love and positive feelings for him/her.
You know when you snuggle down into your covers after a long day? You feel so cozy, so ready to close your eyes...then suddenly your eyes pop open wide! You forgot to lock the front door! Now comes the internal battle. You already got undressed and you really, really, really don’t want to put your bare feet down on that cold floor. You are tempted to boot your spouse out of bed so you won’t have to leave your cozy spot. BUT! Suddenly you think about how your spouse is so much more drained than you are. You really don’t want them to have to get out of bed either. You decide to be unselfish and go lock the door yourself. Woo-hoo! You just infused both hearts with some positive vibes!
What about when spouse A. comes home from work after an absolutely terrible day, ready for some pampering. The kids are running around crazy, the house is a mess, there is no dinner in sight, and spouse B. is looking absolutely frazzled. Spouse A. is tempted to ask what in the world B. has been doing all day. A. wants to vent about the awful day, and ask why B. couldn’t at least have some dinner ready. BUT! A. decides to shelf personal needs for a moment and ask about B.’s day. A. steps in to change a diaper and help with dinner, though the inner desire is to go take a long bath and unwind.
When you put another person’s needs before your own, you show respect. You demonstrate a belief that that person is worth sacrifice. Thinking about their needs invites sympathy, positivity, and love.
So...this week, find at least 1 way to serve your spouse every day. It can be something big or small, obvious or secret. See if it makes a difference in the way you feel toward your spouse. Notice if your feelings are reflected in your interactions and invite more love into the marriage. Chances are, your spouse will start feeling more positivity and love toward you too. Remember, the goal is to do things that will help the positive thoughts and actions outweigh the negative. By starting to be more unselfish, you’ll be on your way to a happier marriage!
Reference:
Gottman, John M. & Silver, Nan. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. New York: Three Rivers Press.
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cheryl
I love the book "the five love languages". Great post.
Great post! I like how you used different fonts of writing in the post and the picture, it catches audience's attention. The book looks like an interesting read, Ill have to check it out. Thank you for sharing!
This was really good to hear, an important piece of a healthy marriage is focusing on the positives of your partner, which seems so simple, but can be hard to remember in a long-term relationship.
-Kamille
I really liked the positivity found throughout this post. A lot of times, all I hear is the challenges of marriage so it is nice to read such a fresh perspective. Keep up the good work!
Mackenzie P.
Your post was so energetic and fun to read. I really liked that you gave a challenge at the end to give service to your spouse at least once a day. I agree that almost any marriage can be successful if people will be less selfish.