An
interesting study I read tests the connection between marital
satisfaction and sexual desire. The researchers found that:
“Marital
dissatisfaction directly produces low sexual desire for one partner.
Sexual desire, in this case, may be seen as a form of expression of
one's satisfaction with the relationship. When one is happier with
one's relationship and partner, one is more likely to desire
increased intimacy and sexual activity” (Brezsnyak & Whisman, 2004, p. 211)
If
the relationship is suffering, the sexual connection suffers as well.
If the relationship is healthy, the sexual connection is more likely
to be awesome! It's important to note that men and women put sex and
emotional closeness in a different order. Let me explain what I
mean.
Sex
and emotional connection go hand in hand, and create a sort of
circular pattern. Men typically feel loved through sexual intimacy.
When they feel well loved, they are more able to give love and
emotionally connection to their wives. Wives usually need to feel
emotionally close before they desire sex. For women, sex is more of
a choice. They have to choose to open that door and submit
themselves to their husbands. They are more hesitant to do so if
they don't feel like their needs are being met. Similarly, men are
more hesitant and less able to give themselves to their wives
emotionally if their needs are not being met. It goes around and
around. See the pattern?
So,
what's the solution? What do you do if no one's needs are being met
SO no one feels capable to give love SO the relationship suffers SO
the sex life suffers? The study I referenced above revealed an
interesting and unexpected finding:
Couples who are egalitarian have
more sexual desire. In other words, couples who believe they are
equally important and deserve equal rights and privileges, have
better sex lives.
This is because “egalitarian partners are more
generally attentive to and place more importance on the shared,
mutual aspects of relationships... It is reasonable to expect that
sexual desire would be correlated with such an emphasis on sharing
and mutuality within the relationship” (Brezsnyak & Whisman, 2004, p. 213).
Before a couple can expect to improve their
relationship, both husband and wife need to recognize the equality of
the partnership. No one's needs are more important than another's in
the marital relationship. It's vital for spouses to recognize
whether they are being selfish by placing their own needs and desires
above their spouse's.
Equality
fosters mutual respect and the ability to talk about intimate
subjects. Discussions about what each spouse is feeling are a really
good place to start improving a relationship. It's important to
discuss needs, wants, and expectations in the relationship.
Unfortunately, we can not read each other's minds. We have to
be able identify and share our needs with each other if we expect improvement
in the relationship. These discussions need to be respectful! For
helpful resources on how to identify and discuss needs, two good
resources I've found are Difficult
Conversations,
by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, and Sheila Heen, and The
5 Love Languages,
by Gary Chapman.
Along
with identifying each other's needs and desires comes action!
Husbands do your best to meet your wife's needs. Wives, do your best
to meet your husband's needs. You may have to be the one to start
the process, and that's okay. You may have to sacrifice some of your own desires to meet your spouse's needs, and that's okay too. Typically if one spouse starts, the
other will follow. If needs are being met, marital satisfaction will
improve, sexual desire will increase, and voila-- a better sexual connection AND a better emotional connection.
Everyone is happier and the cycle goes around and around again.
Reference:
Brezsnyak, Michael & Whisman, Mark A. (2004). Sexual Desire and Relationship Functioning: The Effects of Marital Satisfaction and Power. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, vol. 30, 199-217.
Reference:
Brezsnyak, Michael & Whisman, Mark A. (2004). Sexual Desire and Relationship Functioning: The Effects of Marital Satisfaction and Power. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, vol. 30, 199-217.
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Rebecca, I love this post! Not because it's just about sex, but how you laid out the factors that may cause dissatisfaction in sexual activity between a couples. I have heard a lot of people who rely on the 'sex' part of the relationship to make everything happy and overall better. However, from your post and doing my own research, it has a huge connection to emotions and not just the sex.
I loved this post! It was very interesting to read, your writing was creative and fun to read and the research was very good. Not many people write about this topic, so good choice!
Darina Prokofyeva