Posted on
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
“If you’re not going to say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.” How many times did we hear that as a kid? In looking back at this too oftenly used phrase, I see that it was a temporary fix that caused one child to feel they had better not talk for fear they would get in trouble. Even if they felt upset or concerned about something, they were told to just stop themselves or not say anything at all. I see now that the other child must have unknowingly been left in the dark with why the other one was upset. Both children could really have benefited from productive positive communication.
Just as it is important for children to communicate to get their point across, married couples need to also grasp the importance of it. Because of marital problems that arise in a marriage, such as finances, differences in raising children, and meeting/or not meeting each other’s needs, it’s no wonder that frustrating, negative feelings pose a threat to decrease marital satisfaction. With effective communication, couples learn to express their needs and show love and concern towards one another.
Luckily, there are ways for children and spouses alike to use effective communication. One way to communicate something in a marriage is to show affection towards your spouse. Doing something nice like doing the dishes, making a nice note, and using positive tones and facial expressions when discussing important matters, shows your spouse that you love and care for them; and that they are more important than the problems discussed in a marriage. Another way to effectively communicate, is to express what your needs are. How is your spouse supposed to know what you need if you don’t tell him? Listen patiently as he tells you his needs, and share yours with him. This way, your spouse feels like his needs are validated, and the chances of them being met are increased. And yet, another important tool in expressing good communication is collaborating. This is a very important aspect of communication. It means that compromise and just talking are not good enough. With collaboration, spouses set time aside to sit and discuss what is bothering them, what needs to be done, or even what makes them happy. This setting alleviates the potential of having a frustrating tug-of-war, so to speak. There are many other ways to communicate more positively with your spouse, many of which can find there place while communicating.
By understanding and utilizing these tools, and others, using verbal and non verbal communication, a married couple can create an environment where, even if there is something concerning, negative, or missing in their marriage, they don’t just have to not say anything at all; they can talk about or show it.
By understanding and utilizing these tools, and others, using verbal and non verbal communication, a married couple can create an environment where, even if there is something concerning, negative, or missing in their marriage, they don’t just have to not say anything at all; they can talk about or show it.
Posted on
Saturday, April 6, 2013
I have been looking forward to this video post about Sternberg's Triangular Theory of Love. It is so important that we are aware of all the different aspects of our relationships. Just remember to schedule time with your spouse to keep the spark alive.
References:
Sternberg, Robert J. (1988). The Triangle of Love: Intimacy, Passion, Commitment. New York: Basic Books. ISBN 0-465-08746-9
Read More
References:
Sternberg, Robert J. (1988). The Triangle of Love: Intimacy, Passion, Commitment. New York: Basic Books. ISBN 0-465-08746-9
Posted on
There are many blogs online that can be found on
marriage, but very few besides our blog, caught my eye as much as a blog called
Engaged Marriage. Don’t stay married,
stay engaged, was the main theme of this blog.
What a wonderful reminder it was that post marriage life
can be just as exciting and meaningful as it was before you got married. I was impressed to see that the blog was
written and maintained by a young married couple, Dustin, and his wife bethany. It was clear to tell that they were making their own efforts to strengthen their own marriage, and thoroughly enjoyed sharing what they have learned. I feel that knowing they have a real desire to help others strengthen their marriages really encourages
me to apply what they shares in order to enrich and apply my own learning
experience.
The format of the blog filled most of the screen,
allowing for a more of an open feeling while reading; and readers’ comments
were readily exposed below the posts. A
few of the main subjects of this blog, were: money, communication, and even
natural family planning (which I thought was interesting). Some of the popular posts included articles,
such as: “Romance for Insanely Busy
Couples,” “How to Get Your Spouse to Talk to You: 7 Tips for Engagement”, and
“Family Time: Be an All-Star Parent”.
The content I read in many of these posts was visually engaging. Many places to click on
similar topics were readily available if I wanted to expound my learning after
reading a particular post.
In continuing to navigate this blog, I saw that they directed their comments, stories, and lessons to those who want to learn about, improve,
and sustain a good marriage. Many
articles were also geared toward life after children. Married couples of any age and particular
stage of their marriage will find many ways to strengthen their marriage. There was even a section on preparing for
marriage, which was very beneficial for me to look in to!
To add on what was mentioned above, the posts contained
helpful and well-written advice that came from books, researchers, and personal
experience. Following some of the posts including research, stories,
book references, etc. They stated the author, their background, and where the information was retrieved. I love the fact that along
with many of the references, They encouraged you to “check out” more information
and material from the author whose information he shared. Funny thing was, a lot of their stories and
messages ‘just made sense’ to me. Even
without a whole lot of emphasis on research, I felt I was reading valuable
information that I could take with me in preparing and experiencing a happy
healthy marriage.
I enjoyed this blog, I hope you take the chance to check it out!
I enjoyed this blog, I hope you take the chance to check it out!
Dustin and bethany.
Engaged Marriage. Retrieved from http://www.engagedmarriage.com/
Posted on
It's a little cheesy (blame the amateur acting skills of yours truly and my husband, Swen!), but you get the general idea. Research shows having fun together increases satisfaction in the marriage. Couples get so busy and tired, they often forget to make time for each other. When couples make opportunities for leisure time together, though, they report more love and less conflict in their marriage. It's worth it! Schedule some time together today! (or forget a schedule and be spontaneous! ;) )
Read More
It's a little cheesy (blame the amateur acting skills of yours truly and my husband, Swen!), but you get the general idea. Research shows having fun together increases satisfaction in the marriage. Couples get so busy and tired, they often forget to make time for each other. When couples make opportunities for leisure time together, though, they report more love and less conflict in their marriage. It's worth it! Schedule some time together today! (or forget a schedule and be spontaneous! ;) )
Reference:
Claxton, Amy & Perry-Jenkins, Maureen. (2008). No Fun Anymore: Leisure and Marital Quality Across the Transition to Parenthood. Journal of Marriage and Family,
February 2008, Vol. 70 Issue 1, p28-43, 16p.
Posted on
Saturday, March 30, 2013
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There
are many phrases used to describe our spouses. In Argentina, where my wife is
from and where we were married many people are always waiting for their "media
naranja" or orange half. In the
U.S. we often refer to our spouse as our 'other half' or 'better half'. By
referring to our significant other as our other half we make the statement that
because they are our companion we are whole, we belong together, we were meant
to be. At least that is what I feel about marriage... that it is meant to be.
Marriage is not a new invention, it has existed from the beginning of
time. It doesn't exist in the United States
but all around the world. It is
universal and even against all odds and criticism it is still around. I wish to share with you some insights on the
need for marriage, but not just any marriage but healthy and strong marriage.
Marriage
is the beginning of society and the union of a couple is the basic unit of
society. We could talk all day about the
politics of marriage and the breakdown in society caused by the breakdown of the
family. Research shows that healthy marriages are good for societies. We can look at many aspects of society and
can see how marriage and divorce influences the way we all live. It makes
sense; if we are not able to function as a couple and learn to get along and
share and grow together and be productive, how can we expect to do the same as
a community or a nation. I do not want to go into the statistics but if you are
interested in learning more about some of the benefits of marriage please check
out a list of 162 reasons for marriage put together by Marri Research (2012)162-reasons-to-marry.
The fact of the matter is that marriage is important. It is important to the community,
to the government, to children, and most importantly to you and me. You can see research on the effects of marriage on health, men, women, children, and society at
I
can only assume that if you are on this blog that your marriage is important to
you. It is important enough that you are
searching the web to find ways to help your marriage survive after you brought
kids into the world. My marriage is the most important thing to me, even more
important than my kids, my career, or friends. It is what makes me whole. I
love the phrase that my wife is my other half and the belief that together we are
so much more than 2 individuals, we make each other better. It is not easy but
any bad day with my wife by my side is better than any great day without her.
Sometimes we do not always feel that we are that compatible and that maybe we
are apples and oranges that don't quite fit but the great thing about marriage
is that involves choice.
Every
day we have the amazing opportunity to make decisions. Some decisions are more important than
others. Whom I marry is much more important than the flavor cake we decide to
have at our reception. Always remember that you chose to make that commitment.
You chose to be with someone and to love them. Love is as much as a choice as a
feeling. We choose to love, we choose to
be together, and we choose what is important to us. I hope that it is your
choice to make your marriage the best it can be. In order to do that we have to work at it.
The only way a muscle gets stronger is by working it. It works the same for
marriage; if we are not working at making it stronger it is just getting
weaker.
So
how can we make marriage a priority when we have so many 'other important
things' going on? We have to prioritize, and learn how a strong marriage will
help us do all the other important things. Let's take a few minutes to make a
list of our priorities.
Take
a piece of paper or open a new document on your computer and list your 5 top
priorities in life. Make sure to write your name at the top of your paper since
you are your top priority. All of your
other priorities exist to fulfill your personal goals. What number did you give
to your spouse, to your kids, work, friends, business, etc? Be honest about it,
ideally your spouse would be number 1 and then hopefully your kids but maybe
you put your career or studies. This is just to give you an idea of where you
stand right now with things.
- Write down 5 benefits that you receive by being married. It can be anything, as long as it is sincere.
- Write another 5 ways that your spouse makes you happy. I would hope that happiness in life is one of your goals.
- Now write down 5 things that you bring to the marriage.
- Take a few minutes to remember why your marriage is important to you.
Here are a few things you can do to help strengthen
your marriage:
- Seek out others who have a great marriage and learn from them. Avoid friendships and people who speak negatively about their spouse.
- Find out what makes your spouse feel loved and do them.
- Go on dates! Do the activities you did that made you fall in love in the first place.
- Read a book, see a counselor, or attend a seminar designed to improve your marriage.
- Make your spouse your first priority over your parents, boss and even your kids. (Barry, 2008)
Fragan, P., Dougherty, A., & McElvain, M.
(2012, February 08). 162 Reasons to Marry. Retrieved
from http://www.frc.org/marriwebsite/162-reasons-to-marry
Barry, J. D. (2008). A wife’s guide to (difficult) in-laws. Retrieved from
http://wifeguide.org
(n.d.). Retrieved from http://www.camarriage.com
Posted on
Friday, March 29, 2013
Let's
talk about sex for a moment, shall we? Let's face it--sex gets complicated when you add kids to the mix. Either they come in your room right when things are getting started or they camp out right outside the door when you're trying to have a moment (Shhhh!). There are crazy hormone changes with pregnancy you have to work around. There's always lots of stress, which can diminish desire. You're busy, busy, busy, and you're constantly having to discuss hard things, like parenting, money, and job issues. All these things can come between a couple and negatively affect their relationship. I can't tell you how many
times I've heard various friends (women—I don't typically talk to
men about sex and relationships!) say things like, “We're kind of
like roommates. We live in the same house but don't really have an
emotional connection.” and “I'd just as soon never have to have
sex again.” Well, guess what? These two statements are very
closely connected.
Read More
An
interesting study I read tests the connection between marital
satisfaction and sexual desire. The researchers found that:
“Marital
dissatisfaction directly produces low sexual desire for one partner.
Sexual desire, in this case, may be seen as a form of expression of
one's satisfaction with the relationship. When one is happier with
one's relationship and partner, one is more likely to desire
increased intimacy and sexual activity” (Brezsnyak & Whisman, 2004, p. 211)
If
the relationship is suffering, the sexual connection suffers as well.
If the relationship is healthy, the sexual connection is more likely
to be awesome! It's important to note that men and women put sex and
emotional closeness in a different order. Let me explain what I
mean.
Sex
and emotional connection go hand in hand, and create a sort of
circular pattern. Men typically feel loved through sexual intimacy.
When they feel well loved, they are more able to give love and
emotionally connection to their wives. Wives usually need to feel
emotionally close before they desire sex. For women, sex is more of
a choice. They have to choose to open that door and submit
themselves to their husbands. They are more hesitant to do so if
they don't feel like their needs are being met. Similarly, men are
more hesitant and less able to give themselves to their wives
emotionally if their needs are not being met. It goes around and
around. See the pattern?
So,
what's the solution? What do you do if no one's needs are being met
SO no one feels capable to give love SO the relationship suffers SO
the sex life suffers? The study I referenced above revealed an
interesting and unexpected finding:
Couples who are egalitarian have
more sexual desire. In other words, couples who believe they are
equally important and deserve equal rights and privileges, have
better sex lives.
This is because “egalitarian partners are more
generally attentive to and place more importance on the shared,
mutual aspects of relationships... It is reasonable to expect that
sexual desire would be correlated with such an emphasis on sharing
and mutuality within the relationship” (Brezsnyak & Whisman, 2004, p. 213).
Before a couple can expect to improve their
relationship, both husband and wife need to recognize the equality of
the partnership. No one's needs are more important than another's in
the marital relationship. It's vital for spouses to recognize
whether they are being selfish by placing their own needs and desires
above their spouse's.
Equality
fosters mutual respect and the ability to talk about intimate
subjects. Discussions about what each spouse is feeling are a really
good place to start improving a relationship. It's important to
discuss needs, wants, and expectations in the relationship.
Unfortunately, we can not read each other's minds. We have to
be able identify and share our needs with each other if we expect improvement
in the relationship. These discussions need to be respectful! For
helpful resources on how to identify and discuss needs, two good
resources I've found are Difficult
Conversations,
by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, and Sheila Heen, and The
5 Love Languages,
by Gary Chapman.
Along
with identifying each other's needs and desires comes action!
Husbands do your best to meet your wife's needs. Wives, do your best
to meet your husband's needs. You may have to be the one to start
the process, and that's okay. You may have to sacrifice some of your own desires to meet your spouse's needs, and that's okay too. Typically if one spouse starts, the
other will follow. If needs are being met, marital satisfaction will
improve, sexual desire will increase, and voila-- a better sexual connection AND a better emotional connection.
Everyone is happier and the cycle goes around and around again.
Reference:
Brezsnyak, Michael & Whisman, Mark A. (2004). Sexual Desire and Relationship Functioning: The Effects of Marital Satisfaction and Power. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, vol. 30, 199-217.
Reference:
Brezsnyak, Michael & Whisman, Mark A. (2004). Sexual Desire and Relationship Functioning: The Effects of Marital Satisfaction and Power. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, vol. 30, 199-217.
Posted on
Monday, March 25, 2013
Keeping Love Alive is a 198-pg. book full of ideas to help married couples strengthen their marriage and feel more equipped in dealing with the difficulties and change they may encounter. The introduction has a message about why this book is more valuable than many other books written about marriage. The author expresses that, unlike many other authors, he understands that when it comes helping marriages; one size does not fit all. I personally enjoyed the set-up of the book because it contains questions that are included at the beginning of each chapter and thorough, thoughtful answers follow each question. The chapter titles are set up alphabetically, starting with Abuse, and ending on Trust. I appreciated that the written content in each chapter is straight-forward, easy to read, and targets a broad audience of people in many different situations and backgrounds.
Reading that the author has an educational background and work experience relating to the contents of this book, helped me trust that what I was reading was credible and could really work for those who apply its teachings. The author is a licensed social worker, a marriage and family therapist, and a professor. He expresses very knowledgeable information and makes sure to list reference notes after each chapter. This book contains a lot of research, but the research is incorporated into the author's own ideas, making it sound more personable and less like a research paper.
After reading this book, I feel that the main goal of Keeping Love Alive is to help its readers gain a better understanding of many different aspects of their marriages, and then encourages them to go forward and apply what they learn. The questions, as mentioned above, that are asked at the beginning of each chapter, allow for the reader to answer the question as it applies to their own marriage. I am not married yet, but this book was absolutely a valuable resource for ways of dealing with and strengthening any relationship.
“From reading this
book, you will learn that not all differences will be resolved. Differences are
a normal part of life. The goal is not too think alike, but to think together
(Matheson, 2009, x).” This is just one phrase from the book Keeping Love Alive: Answers to 100 Marriage
Questions by Kenneth W. Matheson, that many couples can consider in this well-written book.
Keeping Love Alive is a 198-pg. book full of ideas to help married couples strengthen their marriage and feel more equipped in dealing with the difficulties and change they may encounter. The introduction has a message about why this book is more valuable than many other books written about marriage. The author expresses that, unlike many other authors, he understands that when it comes helping marriages; one size does not fit all. I personally enjoyed the set-up of the book because it contains questions that are included at the beginning of each chapter and thorough, thoughtful answers follow each question. The chapter titles are set up alphabetically, starting with Abuse, and ending on Trust. I appreciated that the written content in each chapter is straight-forward, easy to read, and targets a broad audience of people in many different situations and backgrounds.
Reading that the author has an educational background and work experience relating to the contents of this book, helped me trust that what I was reading was credible and could really work for those who apply its teachings. The author is a licensed social worker, a marriage and family therapist, and a professor. He expresses very knowledgeable information and makes sure to list reference notes after each chapter. This book contains a lot of research, but the research is incorporated into the author's own ideas, making it sound more personable and less like a research paper.
After reading this book, I feel that the main goal of Keeping Love Alive is to help its readers gain a better understanding of many different aspects of their marriages, and then encourages them to go forward and apply what they learn. The questions, as mentioned above, that are asked at the beginning of each chapter, allow for the reader to answer the question as it applies to their own marriage. I am not married yet, but this book was absolutely a valuable resource for ways of dealing with and strengthening any relationship.
Matheson
W. Kenneth. 2009. Keeping love alive:
Answers to 100 marriage questions.Cedar Fort, Inc.
