If
you're reading this blog, you're probably concerned not only about
strengthening your marriage, but also about your children's well
being. In this post I'd like to combine those two important issues
and discuss how marital quality affects children. There is a long
list of reasons to work toward a healthy marriage, but children's
well being is near the top!
“There
is a plethora of evidence indicating that marital quality is
important for children's emotional and behavioral development”
(Blow,
Bowles, Froyen, Gerde, & Skibbe, 2013,
p.42)
Poor
marital relationships are notoriously hard on child development,
particularly if there is open conflict in the home. Children who
experience a lot of conflict often have difficulties interacting with
other people, behavioral problems in school, anxiety, and even health
concerns. It's not always the conflict itself that causes problems
with kids. Children are most negatively affected by conflict when
their parents are unable to resolve issues.
Some
social scientists did an interesting study about how conflict affects
children. They found that conflict and arguments ending with an
apology or compromise aren't extremely damaging for children.
However, when spouses don't resolve their arguments and continue
being angry, perform the silent treatment, or keep fighting, children
are negatively affected. Research shows that the most damaging
conflicts are about the children themselves. When kids hear their
parents fighting about them, they feel scared, helpless, and often
exhibit lower self esteem. (Belsky, Crnic, & Gable, 1994)
Children
learn how to resolve conflict by watching their parents interact. If
parents work to get along, children will work to get along. If
parents compromise, children will compromise. If parents kiss and
make up, kids will too. It's important for parents to work on and
model good communication skills and good conflict resolution skills.
Just as children from troubled marriages are more likely to have
negative outcomes, children from healthy
marriages are more likely to be well adjusted
and have successful outcomes.
and have successful outcomes.
Notice I'm using the words more likely and less likely---there are
many factors that determine a child's outcome. Nothing is for sure.
We're just trying to give our children the best possible chance for
success, right?
Couples
with healthy marriages are usually better at working together in
their roles as parents, which is often referred to as co-parenting.
“Happily
married parents feel enduring
positive
affections for each other...these
feelings,
in turn, predispose them to
support
each other as co-parents and interact
positively
with their children”
(Bonds
& Gondoli, 2007, p. 289)
If
a marriage is healthy, spouses are more likely to help one another in
their parental responsibilities. Supportive co-parenting means being
united. Even if one spouse doesn't necessarily agree with what
the other spouse says or does in a situation, a supportive co-parent
will wait to address it behind closed doors. Supportive
co-parents tag-team and complement parenting efforts. They show
respect to one another by upholding their spouse's decisions.
One
of the best ways for parents to become supportive co-parents is to
decide together what kind of parents they want to be. It's good
to have frequent discussions about their desires for their children
and how to address different behaviors. An important part of
these discussions is an evaluation of how things are going.
This is not a bashing session! It's a healthy collaboration
about how to become better parents and how to support one another
better. This discussion requires respectful and positive
communication!
I
think it's important to quickly show what negative co-parenting looks
like. If you notice yourself doing any of these things, it's
time to change!
--- Making
critical remarks about your spouse in front of your children is
dangerous. It not only undermines your spouse, but it also
causes children to lose respect and feel uncomfortable.
--- Blatantly
disagreeing with your spouse about how to parent your children is
not effective. Try to find positive elements in the current
parenting practices and enhance them together.
--- Interrupting
your spouse when he/she is trying to parent undermines them and
shows disrespect.
--- If
your spouse asks for assistance and you refuse to help, it shows
disdain and feeds resentment. (Belsky
et al,1994)
You can see in these examples that poor marital health and negative co-parenting are intimately connected. If couples do not treat each other well as spouses, they by default do not support each other as parents. The lack of support not only further damages their marital relationship, but also negatively affects the relationship with their children.
“Marital
problems disrupt the ability of
parents
to provide co-parenting support,
which
then leads to deterioration in the
parent-child
relationship” (Bonds & Gondoli, 2007, p.
289).
*****************************************
The
take home message? Children are most likely to thrive in homes with
healthy marriages and supportive co-parenting. This means a couple
can improve their children's well-being by working to strengthen
their marriage and by developing supportive co-parenting practices.
These things definitely take effort, but the outcome is worth the
work!
References:
Belsky,
J., Crnic, K, Gable, S. (1994). Coparenting Within the Family System:
Influences on the Children's Development. Family
Relations, 43:
380-386.
Blow,
A. J., Bowles, R. P., Froyen, L. C., Gerde, H. K., Skibbe, L. E.
(2013). Marital Satisfaction, Family Emotional Expressiveness, Home
Learning Environments, and Children's Emergent Literacy. Journal
of Marriage and Family, 75:
42-55.
Bonds,
D. D., & Gondoli, D. M. (2007). Examining the Process by Which
Marital Adjustment Affects Maternal Warmth: The Role of Coparenting
Support as a Mediator. Journal
of Family Psychology, Vol. 21, No. 2, 288-296.
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This was good. Paul R. Amato, president of the National Council on Family Relations has done similar research on psychological well-being of children. I like that the information you posted focuses on helping things to go right, and not the results of if they don't. Thank you.
I like how you made sure your readers knew that just because they don't do everything right they will not necessarily hurt the outcome of their children. You made a great focus on these suggestion and you did a great job! Instead of telling them what to do, you suggested that a happy marriage is beneficial to the children. You kept your post simple and full of advise! Good job and Keep up the great work!
This is a great post. Thank you for sharing! I think it is important to watch what you say and do before your children, because as you said "Children learn how to resolve conflict by watching their parents interact".
Darina Prokofyeva