The whole
purpose of this blog is to help out married couples with kids to connect at
some level and change the statistic that most couple report the least amount of
marital satisfaction during the child rearing years. If you are reading this it is probably
because you feel worn out, stressed, and disconnected with your spouse. I hope that this information is of benefit to
you and your significant other. I know
that it has helped me tremendously in my life.
Let's talk a little about the love hormone Oxytocin.
Our body
produces a hormone that has been labeled as the bonding molecule for our
purposes; the love hormone. It is an
amazing chemical that is released when are in contact with others and it makes
us feel wanted and accepted and makes us feel close to the other person.
Studies have shown that Oxytocin can help to relieve pain from headaches
to body aches. It also serves as an
antidepressant and because
of its ability to alleviate social anxiety and produce feelings of trust,
oxytocin helps to reduce stress, and reinforces feelings of closeness. Oxytocin
has been observed to reduce cortisol in the body and lower blood pressure. It
has even been known to improve digestion. Research
has also connected oxytocin to feelings of empathy and generosity. (Dvorsky, 12)
The amazing
news is that we don't need a prescription written to enjoy the benefits of
oxytocin, we just need to invest a little time and be social. Now don't panic that I mentioned the word
'time', I know you are stressed and have a million things going on but hear me
out. If you were to invest a little time everyday to feel good about yourself
and your spouse, your time will be well spent.
I think at some point in our lives and our marriage we feel a little out
of control and overwhelmed with everything we have to do, especially when kids have
entered the picture. I once heard a
relationships therapy say "Kids are sent from heaven... to suck the life
out of their parents" (Townsend, 2013).
It sounds funny but I am sure we have all felt that way at one point or
another.
One of the
amazing things about the love hormone, Oxytocin, is that it reduces stress and
makes you feel good. Is it not worth a
few minutes of our day to feel good? Is
it not worth a few minutes every day to feel good about our significant
other? I hope I have made my case. You are going to enjoy this.
We know that
this good feeling hormone is released by certain behaviors. We already talked about child birth, nursing, and orgasm but there are many other
ways to get small doses of the love drug throughout our day. Physical contact with your significant other
causes the brain to release oxytocin weather it be a hug, kiss, caress, cuddle,
fondle, or handshake (leave the handshakes for relationships outside of
marriage though) (Oaklander 2012). How long does it take to hug someone?, not
long at all.
There are
even ways to bond with your partner when they are not with you and still get a
love drug rush. Take a 30 second break from your thoughts, tasks and pinterest
and think about your spouse. Do it right
now, I won't be offended that you stopped reading for a minute. Think of your first kiss or the part of their
body that most attracts you. Think of an
inside joke you share or go and smell their clothes to get a whiff of their
perfume. Every time you do these things
the love hormone helps to strengthen your bond.
Do you feel a little more relaxed?
When you reunite
today and see each other for the 1st moment, stop what you are doing and
embrace. It is okay if the kids are
hanging off of you and if you are late to something or even if the food is
burning. Your relationship is more
important than any of those other things, even your kids. You will feel less stressed and feel closer
to them.
Now men and
women are different, you probably already knew that. Women have several ways to get oxytocin and
they are used to it. It is one of the
reasons that women are social and so focused on relationships. It is probably why they go to the bathroom
together and why they like to talk about their problems. Men on the other hand don't nurse or have
babies and definitely don't go to the bathroom in droves. They get their biggest surge of oxytocin, similar
to women when they orgasm. The great
news is that sex is fun and that as men receive more oxytocin they feel closer
to their spouse which in turn makes their spouse feel closer to them and all of
a sudden they have bonded and are one again, their stress is less and they are
so much better at tackling life as a team.
These things take time and we have to make time to work on our
relationships. Like all important things
we need to schedule time. You wouldn't miss
work, a job interview or any other exciting event just because you have so much
to do so make sure you set apart some time every day to the one who will be by
your side through thick and thin. Make
it good time: touch, hug, plan intimate time, and for those moments don't
complain or talk about problems, there is plenty of time for problems later.
Now it is up
to you to do this, you read this article and thus you get to put it into
practice. You could share this on your
spouse's facebook page but I would suggest just putting these things into
practice. An interesting thing about
Oxytocin is that if you provoke something that will cause its release both
people get a bit of it and as they feel closer to you they will want to return
the favor.
Dvorsky, G. (12, July 2012). 10 reasons why oxytocin is the most amazing molecule in the world. Retrieved from http://io9.com/5925206/10-reasons-why-oxytocin-is-the-most-amazing-molecule-in-the-world
Oaklander, M. (September, 2012). How to be a better lover. Retrieved from http://www.prevention.com/health/sex-relationships/easy-ways-increase-oxytocin-levels
Townsend, M. (2013, February 2013). Interview by J. Bailey [Personal Interview]. Ignite the spark - date night.
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I like how you made your post more interesting by asking the reader to take a second and think about their partner. What a great way to interact with your readers! Keep up with the good work!
I really enjoyed the way that you wrote this, kept me wanting to read more. I cant agree more with how important I believe it is to stay connected with your partner during the child-rearing years and also how it is not easy, it takes time. I took a class last semester that talked a lot about marriage and families, and without a strong relationship between the parents, there is no chance for a strong family. Thank you!
Thank you.
It's not easy to achieve that casual-yet-informative narrative voice, but you pulled it off brilliantly. It's captivating to read when you feel like you're just talking with a friend over coffee, and the research was spot-on too. I look forward to reading more posts!
For me, that moment when I first walk in the door when I get home makes a big difference on how the rest of the day goes. It's usually a tough moment for my wife because the kids have been home from school for a while and she's usually working on dinner with four rowdy kids underfoot. I've been thinking about different ways to make that moment a good one and you've given me some great ideas. Today will be a good day to put it into practice - it has been a stressful week at home and at work, so I'll go straight for a hug and a kiss instead of just saying hello and herding the kids into the basement. I could use a little bit of that Oxytocin right now. :)
I love quick little articles about improving marriage.
Jeremy,
I think this blog has a future - think of ways to really get it out there to a broader audience -
well done.
Cheryl