“Whatever the quality of your marriage now, it can always be better.”(23)
Have you ever wondered how people can “fall out of love” with someone they passionately loved just years before? It happens all the time. What once was a giddy, romantic, can’t-eat-or-sleep-because-I’m-so-excited-about-you love, becomes an ordinary, boring, can’t-you-think-of-somewhere-you-need-to-be kind of love.
In Gary Chapman’s The 5 Love Languages, he addresses this all too common phenomenon. When people first fall in love, the euphoria is overwhelming. Couples can’t stand to be apart. Their honey-bun is constantly on their mind. Touching is like a sweet electric shock. Then a couple of years pass. Reality sets in. The couples find that life is different than they had hoped. They decide they are no longer in love, and may either move on or grudgingly accept a miserable life. Chapman calls the feelings and actions in the euphoric stage instinctual. So, you can’t really take credit for flowers you bought for your sweetie during the euphoric stage of your relationship--it was driven purely by instinct! After euphoria comes real love. Real love is what marriage is all about, and guess what? It’s a choice. Chapman says creating real love with your spouse involves personal will and discipline. “It is intentional.” (33)
Chapman says:
If love is a choice, then [married couples] have the capacity to love after the “in love” obsession has died and they have returned to the real world. That kind of love begins with an attitude--a way of thinking. Love is the attitude that says, “I am married to you and I choose to look out for your interests.” Then the one who chooses to love will find appropriate ways to express that decision. (33-34)
Chapman’s book takes the research on the basic psychological need to be loved, the research on euphoria and “real love”, and builds on it. He says not only do we, as humans, need love, but we each have a specific way we prefer to be loved. His long career as a Marriage Counselor enabled Chapman to identify 5 basic love languages. He asserts that out of those 5 languages, each of us has 1 or 2 primary love languages. Our love language is the way we feel most comfortable expressing our love, and the way we best feel loved by others. Problems in relationships come up when one spouse expresses love in a way the other spouse doesn’t recognize as meaningful. Perhaps a husband loves his wife so much, he constantly holds her hand, puts his arm around her, and seeks to make passionate love with her. But she questions whether or not he loves her, because he never tells her how beautiful she is or expresses gratitude for all the things she does for him. Uh-oh. They are speaking different love languages.
Chapman’s book seeks to answer the question: “How do we meet each other’s deep, emotional need to feel loved?”(34) Since knowledge is power, Chapman stresses the importance for couples to find out one another’s love language and LEARN HOW TO SPEAK IT! The five love languages he lists are:
1: Words of Affirmation: Compliments, Words of Gratitude, Encouraging Words, Kind Words, Humble Words.
2: Quality Time: Undivided, Focused Attention, Quality Conversation, Quality Activities.
3: Receiving Gifts: Meaningful Gifts Given out of Love.
4: Acts of Service: One Spouse Doing Thoughtful Things for the Other.
5: Physical Touch: Holding Hands, Kissing, Hugging, Sexual Intimacy.
The 5 Love Languages is a book that promises results to couples who read it and apply its principles. It is engaging with many stories of real couples’ struggles and successes. It may be a little on the cheesy side, but it’s a self-help love book--we can’t feel too bad about a little cheesiness! The book has individualized quizzes in the back for husbands and wives to identify their love languages. With all the examples throughout the book, it’s almost impossible to miss the concepts. Couples are encouraged to gain understanding, ask questions, identify their love language, then improve their relationships by loving one another in meaningful ways. Of course, application is up to the readers, but Chapman gives them all the tools they need to strengthen their marriage.
Chapman, Gary. (2010). The 5 Love Languages. Chicago, IL: Northfield Publishing.
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Sounds like a great book, I definitely have to read it! Thank you for sharing, I really like how you listed 5 love languages. Thank you
From
Darina Prokofyeva
I've read part of this book before, I noticed you put that it was a bit cheesy, I'm just curious did you find it to be a little unrealistic? Chapman puts out several different copies of this book, mens version, teen version, and a single person's version. I think I'll be getting the single person's version. I'm a bit of a pessimist when it comes to relationships. Ha, Ha.
-Rachael Walters
My parents participated several years ago in a church small group which used this book as the basis for the small group's focus on marriage. The book was quite helpful in pinpointing each of their top Love Languages which has been beneficial to their marriage. Now that I am preparing to be married this Summer, I am interested in having my fiance and I read this book together. I would like to further explore what Chapman's definition of "real love" is with my fiance because as you stated, "Real love is what marriage is all about."
- Elizabeth H.
Rachael--I actually don't find it unrealistic. I think it's a helpful guide to make relationships better. Most discussions about love and romance are inherently cheesy, but I'm all about it! Bring on the cheese!
Thank you for sharing. I think I actually own this book but haven't taken the time to read it yet. In between semesters I will have to do that.