“If you’re not going to say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.”  How many times did we hear that as a kid? In looking back at this too oftenly used phrase, I see that it was a temporary fix that caused one child to feel they had better not talk for fear they would get in trouble.  Even if they felt upset or concerned about something, they were told to just stop themselves or not say anything at all.  I see now that the other child must have unknowingly been left in the dark with why the other one was upset.  Both children could really have benefited from productive positive communication. 

Just as it is important for children to communicate to get their point across, married couples need to also grasp the importance of it.  Because of marital problems that arise in a marriage, such as finances, differences in raising children, and meeting/or not meeting each other’s needs, it’s no wonder that frustrating, negative feelings pose a threat to decrease marital satisfaction.  With effective communication, couples learn to express their needs and show love and concern towards one another.   

Luckily, there are ways for children and spouses alike to use effective communication.  One way to communicate something in a marriage is to show affection towards your spouse.  Doing something nice like doing the dishes, making a nice note, and using positive tones and facial expressions when discussing important matters,  shows your spouse that you love and care for them; and that they are more important than the problems discussed in a marriage.  Another way to effectively communicate, is to express what your needs are.  How is your spouse supposed to know what you need if you don’t tell him? Listen patiently as he tells you his needs, and share yours with him.  This way, your spouse feels like his needs are validated, and the chances of them being met are increased.  And yet, another important tool in expressing good communication is collaborating.  This is a very important aspect of communication.  It means that compromise and just talking are not good enough.  With collaboration, spouses set time aside to sit and discuss what is bothering them, what needs to be done, or even what makes them happy.  This setting alleviates the potential of having a frustrating tug-of-war, so to speak.  There are many other ways to communicate more positively with your spouse, many of which can find there place while communicating.

By understanding and utilizing these tools, and others, using verbal and non verbal communication, a married couple can create an environment where, even if there is something concerning, negative, or missing in their marriage, they don’t just have to not say anything at all; they can talk about or show it.              

There are many blogs online that can be found on marriage, but very few besides our blog, caught my eye as much as a blog called Engaged Marriage.  Don’t stay married, stay engaged, was the main theme of this blog.  What a wonderful reminder it was that post marriage life can be just as exciting and meaningful as it was before you got married.  I was impressed to see that the blog was written and maintained by a young married couple, Dustin, and his wife bethany.  It was clear to tell that they were making their own efforts to strengthen their own marriage, and thoroughly enjoyed sharing what they have learned.  I feel that knowing they have a real desire to help others strengthen their marriages really encourages me to apply what they shares in order to enrich and apply my own learning experience.  

The format of the blog filled most of the screen, allowing for a more of an open feeling while reading; and readers’ comments were readily exposed below the posts.  A few of the main subjects of this blog, were: money, communication, and even natural family planning (which I thought was interesting).  Some of the popular posts included articles, such as: “Romance for Insanely Busy Couples,” “How to Get Your Spouse to Talk to You: 7 Tips for Engagement”, and “Family Time: Be an All-Star Parent”.  The content I read in many of these posts was visually engaging.  Many places to click on similar topics were readily available if I wanted to expound my learning after reading a particular post.

In continuing to navigate this blog, I saw that they directed their comments, stories, and lessons to those who want to learn about, improve, and sustain a good marriage.  Many articles were also geared toward life after children.  Married couples of any age and particular stage of their marriage will find many ways to strengthen their marriage.  There was even a section on preparing for marriage, which was very beneficial for me to look in to!

    

To add on what was mentioned above, the posts contained helpful and well-written advice that came from books, researchers, and personal experience.  Following some of the posts including research, stories, book references, etc. They stated the author, their background, and where the information was retrieved. I love the fact that along with many of the references, They encouraged you to “check out” more information and material from the author whose information he shared.  Funny thing was, a lot of their stories and messages ‘just made sense’ to me.  Even without a whole lot of emphasis on research, I felt I was reading valuable information that I could take with me in preparing and experiencing a happy healthy marriage.  

I enjoyed this blog, I hope you take the chance to check it out!

  

Dustin and bethany. Engaged Marriage. Retrieved from http://www.engagedmarriage.com/

                

There are many phrases used to describe our spouses. In Argentina, where my wife is from and where we were married many people are always waiting for their "media naranja" or orange half.  In the U.S. we often refer to our spouse as our 'other half' or 'better half'. By referring to our significant other as our other half we make the statement that because they are our companion we are whole, we belong together, we were meant to be. At least that is what I feel about marriage... that it is meant to be. Marriage is not a new invention, it has existed from the beginning of time.  It doesn't exist in the United States but all around the world.  It is universal and even against all odds and criticism it is still around.  I wish to share with you some insights on the need for marriage, but not just any marriage but healthy and strong marriage.

Marriage is the beginning of society and the union of a couple is the basic unit of society.  We could talk all day about the politics of marriage and the breakdown in society caused by the breakdown of the family. Research shows that healthy marriages are good for societies.  We can look at many aspects of society and can see how marriage and divorce influences the way we all live. It makes sense; if we are not able to function as a couple and learn to get along and share and grow together and be productive, how can we expect to do the same as a community or a nation. I do not want to go into the statistics but if you are interested in learning more about some of the benefits of marriage please check out a list of 162 reasons for marriage put together by Marri Research (2012)162-reasons-to-marry. The fact of the matter is that marriage is important. It is important to the community, to the government, to children, and most importantly to you and me. You can see research on the effects of marriage on health, men, women, children, and society at http://www.camarriage.com/

I can only assume that if you are on this blog that your marriage is important to you.  It is important enough that you are searching the web to find ways to help your marriage survive after you brought kids into the world. My marriage is the most important thing to me, even more important than my kids, my career, or friends. It is what makes me whole. I love the phrase that my wife is my other half and the belief that together we are so much more than 2 individuals, we make each other better. It is not easy but any bad day with my wife by my side is better than any great day without her. Sometimes we do not always feel that we are that compatible and that maybe we are apples and oranges that don't quite fit but the great thing about marriage is that involves choice.

Every day we have the amazing opportunity to make decisions.  Some decisions are more important than others. Whom I marry is much more important than the flavor cake we decide to have at our reception. Always remember that you chose to make that commitment. You chose to be with someone and to love them. Love is as much as a choice as a feeling.  We choose to love, we choose to be together, and we choose what is important to us. I hope that it is your choice to make your marriage the best it can be.  In order to do that we have to work at it. The only way a muscle gets stronger is by working it. It works the same for marriage; if we are not working at making it stronger it is just getting weaker.

So how can we make marriage a priority when we have so many 'other important things' going on? We have to prioritize, and learn how a strong marriage will help us do all the other important things. Let's take a few minutes to make a list of our priorities.

Take a piece of paper or open a new document on your computer and list your 5 top priorities in life. Make sure to write your name at the top of your paper since you are your top priority.  All of your other priorities exist to fulfill your personal goals. What number did you give to your spouse, to your kids, work, friends, business, etc? Be honest about it, ideally your spouse would be number 1 and then hopefully your kids but maybe you put your career or studies. This is just to give you an idea of where you stand right now with things.

Here are a few things you can do to help strengthen your marriage:

Fragan, P., Dougherty, A., & McElvain, M. (2012, February 08). 162 Reasons to Marry. Retrieved from http://www.frc.org/marriwebsite/162-reasons-to-marry

Barry, J. D. (2008). A wife’s guide to (difficult) in-laws. Retrieved from http://wifeguide.org

(n.d.). Retrieved from http://www.camarriage.com

Keeping Love Alive is a 198-pg. book full of ideas to help married couples strengthen their marriage and feel more equipped in dealing with the difficulties and change they may encounter. The introduction has a message about why this book is more valuable than many other books written about marriage. The author expresses that, unlike many other authors, he understands that when it comes helping marriages; one size does not fit all.  I personally enjoyed the set-up of the book because it contains questions that are included at the beginning of each chapter and thorough, thoughtful answers follow each question. The chapter titles are set up alphabetically, starting with Abuse, and ending on Trust.  I appreciated that the written content in each chapter is straight-forward, easy to read, and targets a broad audience of people in many different situations and backgrounds.

Reading that the author has an educational background and work experience relating to the contents of this book, helped me trust that what I was reading was credible and could really work for those who apply its teachings. The author is a licensed social worker, a marriage and family therapist, and a professor.  He expresses very knowledgeable information and makes sure to list reference notes after each chapter. This book contains a lot of research, but the research is incorporated into the author's own ideas, making it sound more personable and less like a research paper.

After reading this book, I feel that the main goal of Keeping Love Alive is to help its readers gain a better understanding of many different aspects of their marriages, and then encourages them to go forward and apply what they learn. The questions, as mentioned above, that are asked at the beginning of each chapter, allow for the reader to answer the question as it applies to their own marriage.  I am not married yet, but this book was absolutely a valuable resource for ways of dealing with and strengthening any relationship.

Matheson W. Kenneth. 2009. Keeping love alive: Answers to 100 marriage questions.Cedar   Fort, Inc.

Emily asked us: "What are some suggestions, skills, or tactics that married couples use to manage time so they can spend some together?"

Life stops for no man.  We are constantly being bombarded with time commitments from work, school, family, and friends.  Have you ever asked yourself what happened to the days when you had all the time in the world to talk, to listen, to do things together? If you are reading this blog it is probably because you and your spouse with all your spare time decided to have a family and change your relationship forever.  Before my wife and I decided to have kids we figured we should probably see if we could handle the responsibility; so we bought plants.  We bought a tree and a hanging plant named 'Eugenia' who hung over our kitchen table.  Eugenia was the perfect plant when she was thirsty she would drop down low and beg for water and as soon as she had enough she would stretch her branches high in the air.  She was very low maintenance and every once and awhile we would notice her change in mood and give her another drink. The day we came home from the hospital after having our oldest son; she was not quite her perky self and never recovered.  We replaced her with an artificial plant because since we became parents we don't even have time to water a plant.

Too often our relationship gets out on hold to the demands of our careers, education, children, and social commitments.  Unfortunately relationships are not as easy as Eugenia, letting us know when to feed them and when it is okay to ignore them. They need to be constantly fed.  They need to be our greatest priority. The best food for a hungry marriage is quality time spent together. Emily asked about techniques. 

Allow me to teach you one.

Please grab a pen and paper or your smart phone, or Ipad; whatever you normally use to write down important things.  Are you with your spouse right now? Probably not, but that is okay. Open up your calendar and schedule a time when you can both spend some time together.  Call them on the phone and let them know when this is going to happen.  Then commit to doing it.  This is really the only technique out there to spend time together.  If you do not make the time it simply will not happen.

Make sure you make that appointment.  Make sure that you prepare for it.  You wouldn't want to show up to a work meeting unprepared or a bake sale without any baked goods.  Just like you need to show up 15 minutes early to a doctor's appointment and bring your insurance card and co-pay.  Your marriage should be just as important to merit special attention and preparation. Most people think that love and romance degree a certain level of spontaneity, well guess what you cannot afford to wait for spontaneity to come and babysit the kids. Your are at a time in your life where you need to commit together to spending time alone with each other and keep yourself united against the stresses of the world.

I would suggest that you start with 1 'appointment' and on that appointment one of the things you will do is plan your next alone encounter. Talk about your future, what you like about each other.  Plan to do things that you have never done before. You should even plan time to touch and being physically intimate, but whatever you do, do not talk about work, friends, problems, or your kids.  This is sacred time you have set apart for just you.

I know that it sounds boring to plan and that the structure will take the passion out of your encounters but I can almost guarantee it that the lack of surprise will be replaced with butterflies in your gut and excitement as you wait for these special moments to be together.  There are many websites and blogs with great ideas to do on your time together.  See what works for you.  Take turns planning the activities.  You do not even have to spend money or together resources you only need to dedicate the time.  Please check out resources below where you will find additional ideas for your dates.

References:

Rowling-Flourish, R. (2011). The importance of couples spending quality time together. Retrieved from http://www.semissourian.com/story/1810552.html

Allan, C. (2013). Quality time: How to find more and some ideas on how to use it. Retrieved from http://simplemarriage.net

Fillmore, D. (2011). Most important lesson for a strong marriage. Retrieved from http://www.pondtrademag.com/articles/ar-228/

I wanted to respond to Shirley who asked, "What do you suggest for a couple when they can not seem to get a break from their children and it seems that when they finally get the children under control they are too exhausted to even talk?" My suggestion to you is don't talk.  Too often in relationships (and I don’t know how yours works in this area) there ends up being so much talking of the day itself that the possibility of even more exhaustion and frustration.   

 In looking for outside sources to help diffuse this problem, I came across a great article on the Oprah website that talked about non verbal communication. The author of the article, Barbara Graham, suggests that "Everyone—men, women, myself included—needs to learn that before we can communicate with words, we need to connect non verbally. We can do that in simple ways..The deepest moments of intimacy occur when you're not talking (2007)."  I love that she said we need to learn the importance of connecting.  That tells us that with practice, we can communicate in better and even different ways.  

The author of the article mentioned above also shares the idea that communicating without words does not mean that you are ignoring each other and your feelings, but conveys to the other person that they matter "more than whatever they're resentful or anxious about."  Connecting this way, gives each person in the relationship the opportunity to feel the message being conveyed and allows for a verbal or non verbal response; even while feeling tired or upset.

There is a girl in the article that shares a story about the time that she decided to talk to her husband first, listing off the fears she had while awaiting results from a test she had at the doctor.  The husband listened patiently and just held her close, and then neither of them said anything. "We don't need to" she says.

This story sounds ideal and possibly unrealistic to many, but it's definitely worth trying.  Make your own list of things that will help you and your husband connect after feeling exhausted from tending to the kids.  Talk first then be close, spend time together then talk, or don't talk at all.  Two things you may consider doing are sitting close while watching a show, or doing something like the dishes together.  Just enjoy each others company :)

Graham, Barbara. 2007. How to improve your marriage

without talking about it. How to find (and keep) the love of your life. February 2007 issue of O, the Oprah Magazine. Retrieved from http://www.oprah.com/relationships/How-to-Improve-Your-Marriage-Without-Talking-About-It/3 

One of my favorite sociolinguists (person who studies the affects of language on society) is Dr. Deborah Tannen who has written several books and has spoken about the subject of conversation between men and woman as a cross-cultural communication.  It is amazing to learn how different we are in the way we communicate.  I highly recommend her book: "You Just Don't Understand: Women and Men in Conversation"

Have you ever found yourself in an argument without knowing why?  Do you know why woman are known for nagging?  Did you know that men actually talk more than women?  These are all issues that Dr. Tannen addresses in her book: "You Just Don't Understand, Women and Men in Conversation".

We always assume that because we married someone with similar interests and that we are very similar in the way we think but may I propose along with Dr. Tannen that women and men do not talk the same.  I don't need to tell you that you are different than your spouse, I am sure you have figured that out all ready.  Let's take a look at some of the differences in the way we speak our different 'genderlects'.

Women tend to be more focused on relationships .  They speak to establish, maintain and measure those relationships.  By talking about the things they have in common with their audience they develop rapport and establish intimacy.  Woman are also known for trouble talking where they enjoy talking about troubles or problems, not because they want to resolve the problems or even because they enjoy talking about problems but because it is a way for them to communicate their emotions with others and seek emotional support.

Have you ever been upset because your spouse just told you how to solve your problem when you just wanted to talk about it?  Have you ever felt that he just doesn't take your feelings into consideration while making a decision?  Do you often feel distant when he does not respond by sharing his problems?  That is because unlike women, men do not talk to establish relationships, they talk to establish status, report and solve problems.

For the men.  (but really for the woman)

Have you ever wondered why your spouse will get upset with you because you didn't tell her something that happened to you?  Have you been discouraged that she talks about so many problems when you just want to talk solutions?  Do you ever feel that you are being nagged?  This is because men do not like to put themselves in a vulnerable position so they don't talk about their problems.  They have also been raised to help woman and fix problems so that is what they do.  They also feel nagged when they know they were supposed to do something but by being told to do it over and over again threatens their position and status.

Men talk much more than women but mainly in public settings.  Women speak much more in private or intimate settings.  Men talk at work, church, among friends, and dominate almost all public speaking arenas but they talk about different things.  They talk because their status depends on it.  When they get home they are not worried as much about status, and tend to speak less.  Home life is looked upon as the safety zone where they are no longer competing but are in familiar surroundings, and hence are quicker to try to resolve a problem presented by their wife instead of just having conversation.

What do we do with this information?

Now in our society we have seen plenty of incidences in sitcoms that show couples trying to change each other.  Women trying to get men to share their feelings and men complaining about their nagging wives.  But the best thing we can do is accept the differences we have, after all that is one of the reasons we married our spouse because they are different than us.  Wouldn't it be boring to be married to oneself?  Tannen (2001) suggests that the best way to deal with language style differences is to "learn how to interpret each other's messages and explain your own in a way your partner can understand and accept." (p. 297). That means that when my wife starts talking about a problem I know that she really is not asking for a solution she is asking for me to validate her feelings, knowing that my spouse is this way the best thing I can do is ask her what she feels and try to meet her half way so she understands that I care about her.  If you have a husband that never seems to do what you ask and you keep asking because you feel that if you say it enough times he will realize that it is important to you; it might be more efficient to find a way to stroke his ego and have him show you that he wants to help you instead of being told what to do.

This is just some of the advice that Dr. Tannen gives in this book.  It is an easy read and I recommend it to any couple that wants to become more aware of the differences in communication between men and women.  It has helped me to recognize my wife's needs and read between the lines to avoid arguments and strengthen the bonds of our marriage.  Dr. Tannen shares funny anecdotes and makes it easy to recognize these subtle differences which sometimes cause great divides in a stressed out marriage.

References:

Tannen, D. (2001). You just don't understand: Women and men in conversation. (1st ed.). New York, NY: William Morrow and Company, Inc.